♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Oh, Rose, good God. My heart is still poundin'.
I was just in an accident.
Honey. But don't worry. I'm all right. I'm OK.
Oh, thank God. Any damage to your car?
Well, that's the one bright spot. I had borrowed yours.
My car? You didn't ask if you could borrow my car.
Well, I guess we both learned a lesson
about leaving keys on the table.
I can't believe this. How did it happen?
Well, you know how I like to meet rich men
by gently rear-ending expensive cars at red lights?
Yeah.
Well, you say that like it isn't great.
Rose, it's the perfect plan.
You get to meet the guy, exchange addresses,
then when he asks you who does good body work,
you give him your phone number.
And this really works?
Well, not this time.
I had this really cute guy in a Jag lined up
when this dork in a Duster cut in front of me...
and I nicked him instead.
Blanche, I am furious.
First you take my car without asking.
Then, when you have it, you show complete disregard for my personal property.
Rose, please have a little compassion.
I was just in an accident.
Well, what do you want me to do, carry you to your room?
Massage your neck? Make some cocoa?
Diet cocoa. I'm going out again tomorrow.
Blanche... Oh, hi, Dorothy. How was the funeral?
It was a humdinger, Blanche. We closed the place.
Where's Sophia?
She's taking this pretty hard.
I guess she needs a couple of minutes by herself out in the car.
We're really gonna have to be there for Ma.
Oh, Dorothy, Sophia's like my own mother.
Until she feels better, I'm not gonna think about anything else.
My car!
It's ruined!
It's just a little scratch. I can live with it.
What did you do with it? Rose...
Do we have to do this now? A nun has died.
More than a nun. Sister Agnes was my mother's best friend.
Oh, she's out there alone now.
She hasn't said a word since we left the cemetery.
I have no idea how she's going to react to this.
I've made a decision. I'm gonna become a nun.
Well, at least now you know.
Ma, what are you talking about?
God spoke to me today at the funeral.
He told me to join the order.
God spoke to you?
You haven't been eating chili dogs again, have you?
That was an honest mistake.
And to clarify, that's when I thought God was whistling to me.
This was him talking. Oh, Ma.
Don't you think I know how crazy this sounds? But it really happened.
Ma, I don't believe you. God said you'd say that.
Ma. He said you'd say that, too.
Ma, stop this. Three for three.
Ma, this is ridiculous.
You don't want to be a nun. Yes, I do, Dorothy.
God reminded me today that I've always had a dream,
a very private dream, one I never talked about.
When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent.
Well, until I was 17.
What happened then?
Your father put his hand in my blouse.
So?
So I felt soiled, filthy, dirty.
You know, in love.
But this time, I'm gonna fulfill my destiny.
This time, I'm gonna become a nun.
Do you believe what we just heard?
I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun.
I mean, "nun." The word says it.
Well, you're not gonna believe this.
I've just been talking on the phone for a half-hour,
and guess what.
You forgot to dial first?
No...
You held the receiver upside down? Unh-unh.
It wasn't even the phone, it was the TV remote control.
No. A shoe?
Blanche, please. I'm not an idiot.
The TV has a remote control?
Anyway, this could be kind of important. What?
Do you remember Mr. Nivingston, the guy whose rear end you smacked?
Well, my insurance company just called,
and the guy is claiming he hurt his back.
He's threatening a lawsuit unless we settle out of court.
Oh, that's terrible. I know.
And I'm the one he's suing, 'cause it's my car. Oh! Ha-ha! Oh.
Boy, you had me goin' there for a second.
I thought you meant he was suing me. Whew.
What?
Blanche, Rose may be taken to court for something that you did.
Don't you even care?
There's nothing to worry about.
He's just tryin' to hold up his insurance company.
There's nothin' wrong with that man's back. How can you tell?
Because I know the crooked walk of man
when his back has been injured.
I cannot tell you how many men
I have seen limp out of my bedroom.
Shoulders stooped and their backs curved.
Blanche, that's different. That's shame.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, Sister Claire, how nice to see you again.
Come in.
Dorothy, this is Sister Claire.
She interviewed me last week about joining her order. Please, sit down.
Ma, you actually went to a convent?
Why didn't I know that? Because you're divorced.
Technically, in the eyes of the church, you don't even exist.
I spit on you.
Unless, of course, the sister would like to spit on you first.
I'm her daughter Dorothy. You'll have to excuse my mother.
She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago
which rendered her totally annoying.
And, uh, what brings you here?
The follow-up interview.
We have very strict guidelines when selecting postulants,
so we're going to put Sophia
through a battery of psychological tests.
It helps weed out the crazies and undesirables.
Sorry, Ma.
Can you imagine? Rose is tryin' to blame the whole thing on me.
That woman has one hell of a lot of nerve.
Hello.
I'm a Baptist.
Excuse me.
Sister, is it all right if I sit in?
I don't think my mother would mind.
Think again.
I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any shady pines to sit under.
Pillow, Pussycat?
We'll start with the ink blots.
Uh, "Who was a 1950s black singing group?"
Am I right? Am I in? Am I a nun yet?
She watches a lot of Jeopardy!
No, no.
You look at each one and tell me what you see.
It's a standard test used by psychologists,
but we find it useful in our line of work, too.
Now... what do you see?
I see an angel.
Very good. How 'bout this one?
Uh, I see a dove perched upon the throne of God.
Excellent. And this?
I see the Blessed Mother smiling sweetly
as she pours love upon the hearts of the righteous
standing at the gates of heaven, while St. Peter...
Ma!
Come on, you're making that up. I am not.
Look, anyone can clearly see that is a picture of John Forsythe
lying naked in a pool of honey...
Isn't it?
Do you think I would lie to get into the convent?
It does look a little like John Forsythe, doesn't it?
Look, sister, I'm sorry you made this trip for nothing, but this has gone far enough.
Ma, I cannot believe that you actually want to go through with this.
Who cares what you believe? I had a beautiful experience.
God has called me, and I intend to answer.
You're really serious about this, aren't you?
Yes, Dorothy. This means a lot to me.
Do you think I could leave you that easily?
A minute ago you were gonna spit on me.
Do you have this much trouble with your kids?
What's wrong, Rose?
It's my insurance company.
They've cut me off because of the lawsuit. What am I gonna do?
Well, you need a good lawyer.
Give me the keys to your rental,
and I'll go out and see if I can nail one for you.
Blanche, that's how you got me in trouble before.
Isn't there anything else you can do?
Well, I suppose we could prove Mr. Nivingston was faking his injury
if we could trick him into performing
certain physical acts of a sexual nature.
All we'd need is a devastatingly beautiful woman
with a flair for seduction.
How about Mrs. Hufstad down the street?
I mean, she's something of a dog,
but she'll do it with anybody.
I was talkin' about me.
Oh, yeah. You will, too.
Rose, I won't go all the way.
I'll just get him in the bedroom
and, uh, put him through the normal warm-ups.
And we'll have a certain Scandinavian nitwit
hidin' in the closet with a camera.
Wouldn't it be better if I hid in the closet?
Yes, Rose, I suppose it would.
But do you really think you can get him to remove the neck brace?
Oh, please. I once got a man to crawl out of a full body cast.
Well, I'm almost ready to go.
Today? You're not goin' today? Why didn't you tell us?
Every time I bring it up, one of you tries to talk me out of it.
We were just being selfish. We didn't wanna lose you.
(horn honks) There's my ride.
Oh, Sophia.
Yep. It's a Granada full of nuns.
Sophia, you have no idea
how much we're gonna miss you.
It's like losing a member of the family.
Rose is right. You're just like a mother to us.
We feel like your daughters, too. I feel the same way.
Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are.
You've got common sense and you know what you're doing.
Oh, Sophia.
Blanche, you're a slut.
Oh, Sophia.
(horn honks)
Well, I better go. Nuns don't keep well in a hot car.
We'll go out and tell 'em you're on your way. Come on, Rose.
Well, I guess this is it.
I'm just so sorry that it took me so long
to realize how much this meant to you.
It's just very hard for me to let go.
Me too. But someone else needs me more.
It's time for me to move on. My job here is done.
I always love it when you talk like the Lone Ranger.
Ma, I want you to know that I support your decision.
I think you'll make a great nun.
Thanks. I needed to hear that.
I love you, Ma. I love you, too, Tonto.
Careful, Arthur. Watch your step.
Blanche, if I only could.
Oh, forgive me, sugar.
Well, here, I'll watch it for you, you poor thing.
Thank you, Blanche. I can't believe how nice you're being to me
even though I'm suing your friend.
Well, I've always been attracted
to ever-so-slightly younger men.
Besides, just look at you. Ooh!
Must be so frustratin' for an athlete like you.
Did you ever play any college ball?
No. As a boy, I got as far as the Pee-Wee leagues,
but then I discovered stamps.
Wow.
You know, when I first saw you,
I said to myself, "Philatelist."
I like that.
Ooh, you're gettin' so tense.
Hey, why don't we go in my bedroom, see if we can't loosen you up a little?
Oh, I'm not sure. See, my lawyer - I mean, my doctor -
Sorry. I get 'em mixed up. They're both in the same mall.
You just forget about that old doctor.
I know a little bit about physical therapy myself.
I'm sure you do, but, you see - If it'll make you feel better,
I have a complete nurse's outfit hangin' up in my closet.
I gotta tell you, that does make me feel better.
What else have you got in there?
Ooh, ho-ho-ho-ho.
Wait! What am I doing? I can't play nursey.
I-I'm supposed to have whiplash.
If we can't be together soon, I'm gonna have to go with somebody else.
I haven't been with a man since my husband died nine years ago,
and I'm just about ready to explode.
I'll see you tomorrow, Blanche. Yeah.
Boy, this is really beginning to chafe. Ar--
Were you able to get him to bed? No.
Rose still in the closet with the camera? Yes.
Maybe you'll get him tomorrow. Yeah.
Oh, hi, Rose. Out of the closet, I see.
Yeah, I'm back.
Look, I got a card from Ma.
Oh, Dorothy, read it out loud.
"Dear Pussycat, I have everything I need,
but it's hard to get a decent bikini wax."
Oh! Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
"Dorothy, I remember you fondly,
and the same goes for Blanche and Rita."
"Wish you were here.
"No one can reach the third shelf in the pantry.
Best, Sister Ma."
(laughs)
God, I miss that woman.
Say what you want about her,
we all loved having her around.
I miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia?
The way she used to tease me.
The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me
with names like "tramp"...
"Floozy."
"Trollop," "harlot."
"Magic carpet ride."
"The human luge."
But she was never cuter than when she simply called you "shore leave."
Oh, God, I miss that woman.
OK, is everybody in? I got a pair of jacks.
Ooh. Wait, Sophia.
I have the two, seven, jack, ten and -
that's right - a four.
That doesn't beat a pair of jacks.
Well, it did when you had it.
I told you. That's called a "Whizzer."
It's only good once a night.
Uh, I'll be putting this in the collection box later.
Sophia? Clear out. It's the man.
Hello, Reverend Mother.
My, you look holier-than-thou today.
Save it, Sister Suck Up.
How do you explain this note I found in the suggestion box?
You said we needed money for the chapel.
I thought that would be a good fund-raiser.
A beefcake calendar of "Monks of the Midwest"?
Oh, come on. Open up your mind.
Sophia, I'm going to go pray now.
I won't tell you what I'm going to pray for
because it would hurt your feelings.
But when I'm done, I expect a complete change of attitude.
Understand?
Ooh, I'm so scared.
What is she gonna do, take away my self-denial privileges?
Ma.
Pussycat, what are you doin' here?
Oh, I just missed you and wanted to say hi and see how you're doin'.
I'm doin' fine.
Ten days celibate.
Same here.
Ma, I have a little surprise for you.
Girls?
Oh... Look who it is.
It's Blanche and Rose. Where's the surprise?
Honey, we're your surprise. We came to see you.
Nice to see you. What a lovely surprise.
Welcome to our little convent.
Not even a Bundt cake, huh?
Look at you. A nun.
I didn't think I'd be shocked like this.
It's just that you look so different
than when Blanche is dressed as a nun.
So, uh, what's new at home?
Oh, I did get a chance to go into your bedroom, Sophia,
and there's just no way I'll be able to refund your cleaning deposit.
Totally understandable.
I'll see you in court, my child.
Sophia.
Mother Superior, this is my daughter Dorothy and my ex-roommates.
Hello.
Sophia, why don't you run along?
I need to talk to your daughter alone.
Sure. Whatever she says, I have an alibi.
So, Dorothy, I'll bet you love your mother a lot.
Well, that depends. What has she done?
It's not necessarily anything specific.
It's my feeling that life here is too structured for her.
I'm afraid I don't follow you.
She is a stubborn, old, vindictive pack mule of a woman
who won't follow the rules.
OK, I'm back with you.
Dorothy, I think her intentions are good,
but this doesn't seem to be her calling.
Oh, but this means so much to her.
Oh, this would break her heart.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask her to leave.
Oh, Mother Superior, with your permission, may I be the one to tell her?
We've been through so much together,
I'm sure that any bit of bad news
would be easier to take if it came from me.
Well, then, here's another one for you.
We've seen her room.
Tell her she won't be getting her cleaning deposit back.
God, I'm so confused. I don't know where I belong.
I'm trying to wrestle with the deep religious questions of the ages.
Like, what do you really want from me?
What is my real purpose in life?
What was Edward G. Robinson doing in The Ten Commandments?
(knock on door)
Come in.
Ma, where are Blanche and Rose?
Oh, they wanted to browse in the gift shop.
They're having a sale on John the Baptist placemats.
Ma, do you remember that summer
you told me I didn't get into Girl Scout camp,
and you said we were gonna have more fun than any two people ever had?
They want me out? Yesterday.
Dorothy, I don't get it. I know God wants my life to be meaningful.
That's not gonna happen unless I'm here.
Ma, your life is meaningful.
You do nothing but help other people.
You do Meals On Wheels, Red Cross,
volunteer hospital work.
The point is, you don't have to be in a convent
to make your life meaningful.
I mean, Sister Agnes belonged here, but you don't.
So who's gonna take Sister Agnes' place?
Nobody can take her place.
Just like nobody can take your place.
I miss her. I know.
Let's go home.
All right. But I'll be missing movie night.
But so what?
After the tenth time, it isn't the greatest story ever told.
Here you go, Ma.
Guess it's gonna take you a little while to get adjusted
to being home from the convent, hmm?
To tell you the truth, Dorothy, it isn't that much different.
Whoa! Give me that film.
Rose, go! Run!
Good to have you home, Ma.